*A drawn-out, agonizing gasp for air that seems to last forever…*
RICHAAAARRRRD! RICHAARD WAAAAALKER! Richard Walker, of the Xbox Achievements publication! Return it to me, Richard! Give back what is rightfully mine. You understand what I’m referring to. I accuse you, Richard! I accuse you of pilfering my computer game. Do you dare trifle with my tactical RPG, Richard? The vulture circles, the bowl sits empty – how can I even go to the bakery?
It happened around 2010, Richard, when you took it – the ultimate in strategic grid-based combat, one of the most celebrated digital narratives ever conceived, a captivating exploration of family power and medieval conflict. I hadn’t even finished the game myself, having desired it greatly during my youth when I was confined to the limitations of PS1 PAL gaming. But I couldn’t resist your persuasion, Richard! I naively believed you would return it in a month or two. Little did I know that Final Fantasy Tactics’ famous class system would teach you treachery and deceit, corrupt your innocent nature, and set you down a path of wickedness.
I considered us to be friends, Richard! Souls connected through shared struggles! We started our careers together! Remember when I held your recorder during your interview with Ray Muzyka from BioWare, Richard? I was afraid it wouldn’t record his voice, so I knelt between you like a sinner, waving the microphone back and forth! We looked ridiculous, but that’s alright! It’s okay! We moved past it! I rarely dwell on the immense embarrassment!! Muzyka now creates some kind of magical remedies anyway – so who cares what he thinks? The key thing is that it was a unifying event, a basis for unbreakable trust! What have I ever done to you, Richard? What wrong have I committed to deserve this treatment?!?!
I call you out, Richard, I expose you publicly, to our colleagues. With shaking hands, I write these accusations in huge letters on the tomb of remembrance: “Here stands Richard Walker, condemned. A betrayer! A liar! A breaker of agreements! A pact-denier! A parasite! A thief! A deceiver! A glutton! Let nobody welcome him. Let everyone turn away from him. Let all doors be closed to him! Let his food taste like dirt and his favourite video games play like The Lord of the Rings: Gollum!”
You assumed I had forgotten, Richard. And honestly, I did forget, because *it has been such a very long time, Richard*, but Square Enix remembered – today, they are releasing a revised version of the game on Steam with updated graphics, and I awake in shocked realization from my peaceful sleep in the quiet depths of the ocean, I rise up in burning anger and fury to confront the traitor!
RICHAAAARD! RICHAAAARD WAAAALKER! My PSP’s battery might be bloated like a bad organ, but I still have my 32MB Memory Stick Duo with my saved game. It urges me to seek revenge! Revenge upon that wicked soul and fugitive, Richard Walker, Deputy Editor of Xbox Achievements!